I need to get a life. Can I have yours?
On the other hand. You have different fingers!
Home is where you can say anything you like because nobody listens to you anyway.
I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.
A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Never buy a car you can't push.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
If not for stress, I'd have no energy at all.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I am getting old but I don't need glasses...I drink straight from the bottle!
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
If life gives you a bowl of lemons, go find an annoying guy with paper cuts. Make it worthwhile!
In some countries steaks are rare, but if you can find one, well done!
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!
I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
Life is like a hot bath, the longer you stay in it the more wrinkled you get.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy it again.
Don't take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Don't frown. You never know who is falling in love with your smile.
Remember, every minute spent angry is sixty seconds of happiness wasted.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
The college years are when your children and your luggage both leave home but the laundry comes back to visit.
A careful study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
Give your kids a hint. On their bedroom door put this sign: CHECK OUT TIME IS 18.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
Everbody wants to save the earth - nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
My friend asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
The Vulcan Neck Pinch is not half as powerful as the Vulcan Groin Kick, but it's more politically correct.
If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a watergun and shoot other people in the eyes.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
I lost fifty pounds. Unfortunately, I was in England at the time.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.
Four years ago...No, it was yesterday.
Today I...No, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I...No, I don't.
Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.
You only need two tools in life ~ WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today
It's already tomorrow in Australia!