"Four out of the five voices in my head say 'eat the chocolate' the last one says 'drink the beer' and that is the one I listen too!"
"Whenever I reflect upon the events of the summer of 1776, I feel thankful that I wasn't one of the Founding Fathers. Mainly because I'd be dead now."
"A computer DOES save time at work. Now I can play solitaire without having to spend all that time shuffling real cards."
"If Bill Gates had a dime for every time Windows crashed....Oh, Wait!! He Does!"
"When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer."
"I got a package envelope in the mail the other day that had written on the front: 'Photographs: Do Not Bend.' Underneath the mailman wrote: 'Oh, yes they do.'"
"Don't drink and drive. Instead, the next time you get too drunk to drive, walk into a local Domino's and order a pizza. Then when they go to deliver it, ask for a ride home."
"I want to know what good is a web search engine that returns 324,909,188 'matches' to my key word. That's like saying, "Good news, we've located the product you're looking for. It's on Earth."
"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving."
"If you ever get your tongue stuck to a flagpole, the best way to handle the situation is to take off all your clothes. Then people will say, 'Hey, look at the naked guy!' instead of, 'Hey, look at the idiot with his tongue stuck to a pole!'."
"Word to the Wise: Most bosses only fall for the old ‘pencil through the eyeball, so I have to go to the hospital’ trick once. But if you time it right, you can get a long weekend out of it."